I was woken up this morning by a fully awake 4 year old. I get up and get the baby. Feed both the kids and scarf something down myself. I get us all dressed and we rush out of the house to go get my paperwork. On the way there my little asks me about 25 questions (in 10 minutes, that's over 2 questions a minute...). I go inside get the paperwork and go back to the car and it's back to question and answer time. And it's not just questions it's arguing with me too when I do answer. If you think you're right WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THE QUESTION! Ugh. I remind myself it's still early and I need to chill. I don't react to all the questions. We get home and I know I need a sitter. TV. How I love this invention. I do my paperwork which is a lot since it is Monday so I have three days I need to input in to two spreadsheets. Baby cries. I have to hold him for the last 10 minutes of typing so I don't lose my sanity to all the screams. Braxton comes up. He's hungry. Of course. I say he needs to wait. I feed Jevin lunch and nurse him to sleep. I rush downstairs to work out which I'm only doing so that I can shower. I start my workout. It's horrible. I hate working out especially since I'm not showing that much progress and the progress I have shown is not new anymore and I want more. I finish. I remember I have laundry in the wash that I did three?? days ago. Crap. Wash it again. Finally I get to shower. Ah so nice, but I have to rush because Brax is hungry and so am I and I only have like 20 minutes before Jevin's one hour nap is over. (I don't choose for him to sleep for only an hour that's just what he chooses to do.) This is not how I would choose to have my alone time go. I warm up leftovers and serve them and eat in front of Netflix. Baby wakes up before I'm finished eating. Braxton comes upstairs. He wants to play. I've had just enough alone time that I can handle playing for a while. I get the baby and we all play dinosaurs. After a while of that I have to start cleaning up the kitchen so that I can dirty it again to make dinner. I clean it. I start our dinner and I start making Jevin's baby food. Braxton is playing ninja in the kitchen. WHACK. Sword in the back of the leg. Ouch. Jevin crying. He is apparently starving to death. Finally Nick gets home. Help has arrived. But it doesn't go how I envisioned. He wants to immediately talk to me about time off and hunting season and how much he is going to be gone the next month. This sucks. I miss him and I need help or I will literally lose it. Braxton interrupts us and he gets in trouble. He and Jevin are now both crying. Nick goes to talk to Brax and I pick up Jevin. Now I cry. I am trying so hard to get Jevin's food ready and ours because Nick is going out with a friend at 6. It's 5 and I'm cooking calzones and holding a baby. Nick asks what he can do to help and I hand him the baby and the baby food. Jevin is now quiet. Thank you! Braxton is better and now wants to play but it's time to eat. By the time the boys are done with their food I am just sitting down to eat. Nick leaves. I have to hold Jevin because it is his bedtime and he is screamingly tired and I just want to eat in quiet. But Braxton wants play so he asking me when I will be done about a 100 times. I finally tell him that I just want to eat and I want to do so in the quiet and he needs to play alone for a little while. Then after I eat I need to nurse Jevin to sleep. I figured and what I was hoping he would do was go play in his room. Nope. He stays by my side and quietly plays with the fridge magnets. Fine at least he is quiet and not asking me a million questions. I finish my food. Time to put Jevin to sleep. I decide that I need a sitter again. Hello TV. I get Jevin is his pj's and I nurse him, hoping to God he falls asleep fast because for the last week he has cried for like an hour after I put him down. Side one he falls basically sound asleep. YES!! I switch to the other side, eyes still closed. So far so good. Halfway done wide awake. Great....I lay him down when he is finished. He cries and has now been in there fussing for 45 minutes. I have nothing left. I am drained. My day wasn't even "hard" but my mind is fried. The constant questions, the cries, the schedule, money, the self doubt...it's all piling up. After my shower I didn't even brush my hair. Who are these moms that are all cute all the time? Where do they come from? How do I get what they have? These Pinterest put together moms. How are they so much better at this mom/wife thing then me. Self doubt. Are my kids getting enough of me? Should I get alone time during the day or is that selfish? My 10 month old isn't crawling yet, is that my fault? I must be the only mom that gets annoyed at my child's curiosity and questions. I'm a terrible mother. All these thoughts...I'm exhausted. I have nothing left. But I still have to prepare for homeschool tomorrow, pack my husband's lunch, clean up the kitchen, and put that damn laundry in the dryer before I forget again.
In my head I know I can't possibly be the only mom on earth who feels these things and has days like this. But when you are alone during the day, you feel alone. The devil is so good at filling my head to the point of exhaustion and tears.
But as I write this and reflect on the day God brings to light the blessing he gave me. He gave me a soft warm little baby that I got to cuddle with and smother in kisses all day. He gave me a four year old that loves me to pieces and can never get enough of me. How often did I wish someone wanted me the way he does when I was younger? I have it now. The biggest simple blessing was that I got to be home with my kids. I didn't have to pay someone else to have this day with my kids. I got all the hard stuff, yes, but I also got all the good stuff.
I am reminded that the days are long, so very long sometimes.
But the years are so very short.
No comments:
Post a Comment