My Grandpa died a couple of days ago. My husband and I got in to it. And I lose my job.

I suppose I should start near the beginning. High school. I went to a small Christian school and I was an over achiever. I was never happy unless I was impressing everyone around me with my accomplishments. I had a 4.0 GPA and graduated at the top of my class. I was also captain of my basketball team and was the MVP all four years of high school. I also played volley ball and served on my student council. I volunteered. I was your basic over achieving blonde haired, blue-eyed, preppy girl. My family was proud. I went on to accept academic and athletic scholarships to the university in my home town. I was 19. I was ready and full of energy and life. But soon the daily grind of basketball practice at 5 am, classes that had nothing to do with my major (which I changed three times in a year), and parties became too much and I realized I wasn't happy. Basketball was a lot of work for a lot of sitting the bench for the JV team. A drastic change from high school. I was performing well in my classes and ended with a 4.0 but they were classes I saw no point to. I was wasting time and money. I didn't attend the next year. Instead, to my father's disappointment, I attended massage therapy school in Las Vegas. I lived with my aunt and studied. I had an awesome year and began to have a thirst for life and adventure. As school was coming to a close I was panicking about the impending doom of the real world. I tried in vain to get the same scholarships I had and attend the university again out of desperation. When that fell through I applied for a seasonal job at Glacier National Park. I got it. A new adventure. I had THE time of my life. I worked and partied. I met a lot of wonderful people including a boy name Nick. We didn't quite hit it off at first but by the end of the summer we were some what of a couple. The summer, as it always does, ended. Nick and I went our separate ways but stayed in contact. We decided to go to another seasonal job together for the winter and aimed for Colorado. We both landed jobs. Me in Keystone and him an hour away in Vail. All our days off were spent together. We had a lot of fun but for me fun wasn't enough any more. I was ready for some stability and adulthood...Nick was not. I was about to break up with him when I decided to take a pregnancy test. Positive. I was dead. My family would actually kill me when they found out. I wanted a way out. Because of the society we live in abortion crossed my mind for half a second but I could never! Then I thought I would just stay in Colorado with my friend for the nine months (my family would never come to see me) and give the baby up for adoption. But I just couldn't live with the secret. I told my family. Some took it way better than others. I was called so many names; slut, whore, disgrace of the family, to name a few. I faced everyone and it was incredibly difficult. Then came the time to face my Grandpa. He was the big one. One I was sure would lay into me. One that would be very difficult to see the disappointment on his face. I timidly rang the door bell. The door opened. There he is. I'm terrified. He puts his arm around me and says, "You are still as beautiful as ever." That's it. He never mentioned my growing belly again. And now he is gone.
I married my baby daddy and we are happier then ever. We welcomed our little one back in 2011 and he is now almost four and the light of our lives. And in December we met our second baby boy. We are happy and in love. God rescued us and brought us to Himself. I am stay at home mom but have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home for my cousin's dad. My husband works at the hospital full time. Being a stay-at-home mom is important to us. I feel called by God to be that. My husband wants me at home and I know my kids want their mommy. We are happy but we have our days (or weeks) that are rather challenging, this being one of them. It is never fun to fight or disagree with your spouse. Don't get me wrong, we aren't at each other's throats fighting constantly but are actively searching for the compromise, the happy medium.
After Grandpa's death and the fight with my husband I am tired. Drained. Then as I'm picking up my paperwork I get the good old, "I have to talk to you about something". My job is ending in November. Tears. I have two babies at home. We need this money. What are we going to do? I want to stay home still. I don't want Nick working two jobs, we need him home too. Can we pay the bills? Will we have to give up everything besides bills? Panic. But relief wash over me. I have been praying for a year about my job. It's incredibly difficult to take care of your family and have a job. Even if it's based out of your house and part-time. With a job comes stress and deadlines and pressure. I'm relieved that is about to be over. But like I said we need that money. We looked at our budget and we won't even make our bills on Nick's salary alone, and that is with as many cut backs as we can take out. I have kept up on my massage license and will be pursuing that as well as photography. Photography is something I think I would very much enjoy and I can't wait to see what God will do with that desire. But massage and photography aren't something that I can do full time with the kids still being around. And I am still going to stay home with them. So here is where trusting in God is essential. His peace has washed over me and for that I am so thankful, because, like my dad, I am a worry wart. I have my moments where I am very angry, where I can't understand why my job would end. Where I am a worry wart. And as I am having one of those moments the mail arrives. Inside was an unexpected, size-able, bonus check from my husband's work. Wow. God is going to see us through. He is amazing and he isn't surprised by my family's circumstances even though I am.
I feel that God has something special in mind for me and my family. I am trying to listen. I am trying to trust God. It's a minute to minute decision, but God does show Himself. We just have to look. And trust. It's definitely not easy. It doesn't come natural. This is my journey to trusting God.